Raelyns Roulette: DEPRESSION, MY STORY

August 19, 2018


Disclaimer: What you are about to read is very heavy and meant only for mature eyes. If you or someone you know is going through a hard time please, please call or text  
1-800-273-8255 or go to suicidepreventionlifeline.orgThe show'13 Reasons Why' also has resources available here or simply text 741741. That was the number I turned to.

I have been familiar with depression and the power it has on a person. At the time, I didn't have it myself, but either had a friend or family member going through it. I had been to the hospital twice as support for others who attempted suicide. I knew they were in pain and I never said anything because I never thought they would EVER try to take their life. I should have said something, to an adult. To their parent, whom I knew loved them more than anything and would have put their health before their own. I think I was too immature to this mental issue, to understand it was a daily mentality of being haunted by demons. It wasn't until this year January of 18' when I realized I was now going through it. It was a Thursday, 930pm and Landon was already asleep and Chris was on orders or at work as usual. I was crying for the umteenth time and I knew it was time to ask for help and that it couldn't wait until morning, so I called my doctor. I explained briefly on their answering machine..."I'm sorry to call but as of the last few months I'm starting to run out of reasons as to why I should stay alive and I don't know what to do. I think everyone will be better of when I'm gone.".... Thankfully, someone answered and immediately thanked me for calling. They paged my doctor and he told me how thankful he was I called..by now it was 10pm. He told me to assure him I would be okay through the night and he would see me in his office the next morning. He even had someone come in as early as 6-7am to check me in.

Let's rewind. This is not for attention or for anyone to reach out to me with apologies or comfort. I have always been pretty open with my following on social media and although it took me three years to come to this conclusion, this all started because I had gone three years with undiagnosed with a specific depression. I know there has to be someone if not thousands searching the web trying to understand....

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH ME?! WHO AM I? I want to be my old self again!" I want you to know, you are not crazy. You are important and it is okay not to be okay! You are allowed to try to understand how you are feeling and why, you trying IS ENOUGH!

It wasn't until New York Fashion week of last year when the sadness began to get ugly. I remember posing for this photo and feeling so deeply empty inside. The compliments of strangers passing by meant nothing. I had met some fellow blogger friends after this and had some drinks and lots of laughter.

I still went to my hotel room crying that night. I figured it was because I was living in Virginia at the time and I hated it! I moved there to give the East Coast a chance for Chris, for his happiness and to be close to his family for once. I blamed Virginia and was convinced I was homesick. I kept pushing through and I felt my best at night when I could shut off everything (cuddle up with Chris if he were home), drink wine, and watch a show or movie I hadn't seen before. I loved bringing Landon home from daycare knowing while I was working, he was being taken care of with professionals who cared about his wellbeing. I'd take him outside and watch him be so happy with life. Then, my first real Winter hit and we stopped going outside (not that Landon wanted to since it was 20 degrees at it's highest temp). I stopped leaving the house. I'd drop off Landon, work, pick up Landon, start dinner, bathe Landon, go to sleep, and repeat. The only time anything was different is if Chris was home. I loved having him home on a day off, I had someone I could really talk to.
I remember writing my blog post around this photoshoot and called it crossing railroads. I had changed it to the moral of the post 'My Mother, The Cancer Survivor.' This post took a long time to write because I kept crying and crying. This wasn't me, I thought. Since, when do I cry? I've always kept this sorta of thing private and wouldn't fall apart, not even in front of Chris. Let's go back to my phone call with my doctor as mentioned earlier.

Side note, this photo was posted on Instagram only a couple days after I was in my doctors office being asked a series of questions in regards to suicide. Absolutely crazy right? I look so happy. Small screenshots of someone's life on media can be so deceiving. This photoshoot was taken a couple weeks before I booked a last minute trip to see my family back in sunny California and for a couple collaborations with spas and restaurants. Doesn't that sound dreamy? Getting free facials, massages,  and V.I.P. lunch services just for a tag on Instagram or a blog post. I am so "lucky." Don't I look happy? Wrong, I was slowly dying inside. The doctor did put me on anti-depressants but they weren't working so I figured they wouldn't work and I stopped taking them. Chris had received orders to deploy overseas for nearly a year and I knew I couldn't stay in Virginia. I became scared of myself when being left alone. Chris kept trying to help and I remember telling him..."It's too late, I am too far down this dark water well and I am drowning. No-one can help me. I have to do this on my own."
I was so wrong, I stopped being open about how I was feeling. I didn't want the attention or anyone worrying about me. Let's forward on over to the end of May....

California and my old self here I come!!!! I'll finally see the light and be where the weather is perfect and be HAPPY!

I was still posting on Instagram, working with brands, traveling every month to a different state, passing hello's and goodbye's with Chris, but most importantly still doing my best as "Mother of the Year!" I kept trying to stay up to part as a christian, wife, mother, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, and influencer. I had officially neglected myself and was living in motion.  It took Kate Spade's death and statement she told a friend "I have these thoughts but I would never act on it. I wouldn't do that to my child." I was terrified and I was spending my last three days with Chris, the one person who knew what I was thinking when I would be laughing one second then staring off into space the next. The one who called me out and said "Hey, you okay? Come back to me...look at your son! hold my hand." 

I said goodbye to Chris and drove home from the airport crying and praying for God to please help me and tell me it wasn't too late for me. I had always turned to music during tough times because it helped me as an outlet. Sia and her song 'I'm Alive' came on and I tried singing my heart out and I felt nothing. Instead, I heard the lyrics for what they really were. "I had a one way ticket to a place where all the demons go.." I came down to the point where I knew EXACTLY why my past loved ones attempted suicide, why they had so many who loved them, yet they felt alone, how they could possibly think of suicide when they have a child?!! I understood 100%. I was convinced I didn't deserve Landon and Chris could remarry and find a healthy minded perfect woman! I wasn't worth living, I was an inconvenience, and the fact I felt this way meant I didn't deserve to be a Mother. Finally, it all became clear to me. I either had to get professional help or begin writing a note to everyone about how sorry I was and how hard I tried. Yeah, I just couldn't do that and it came down to one reason and one person....Landon.

I refused to believe I was going through postpartum depression with Landon, I didn't want to be another woman depressed because she had a child. "I love Landon, our bond was instant! Breastfeeding was a piece of cake, I lost all my weight within one month, dinner was done every night, I take him for walks everyday, and my house is clean. I am fine!!" I wasn't sleeping, I was beyond under weight, and I hadn't given myself more than two hours alone by after three months. I was not fine. I went back to work, then eventually began blogging and left work to stay home and conquer both. I was scared of depression so I kept running...for three years. 
Six weeks after this 'Mommy and me' photoshoot I was in California on the phone with the nearest hospital to be checked in for depression and suicidal thoughts. The hospital I went to only cared about drug addicts and I was there for hours waiting to be seen by a doctor. I was on the second floor, in a "room" with white curtains and a dirty ass bed, surrounded by people screaming because they were in pain a.k.a going through withdrawals and needed their fix. I was on the bed crying, with my hands over my ears, and finally I had a breakthrough. This hospital is a joke, I do not belong here! I grabbed my purse and walked out, they didn't even notice until it came time to hand me my bill in the mail. I finally found a doctor after being honest with them and the fact that I am crying for help and every doctor keeps saying they weren't accepting new patients or they were full. I was trying to be seen and no one was taking this serious....so I thought maybe it wasn't serious..??? After all, I had confided in family, friends, and even got desperate for communication that I even reached out to acquaintances. Still, no one had a clue I was screaming for help on on the inside, I was emotionally and mentally begging for help, and no one cared to listen or so I thought. On the outside, I was still keeping myself together, how could they?

Finally, finally! I called a doctor's office who was a miles away but had seen me for seven years growing up. They got me in the next day and had someone extra on hand to help watch Landon so I could finally give myself a moment to let it all out. They listened to me and wouldn't let me leave until they knew exactly what they were dealing with. I was put on a anti-depressant that worked and finally got rid of the horrible suicidal thoughts that became a symptom of depression and NOT REAL. Suicide is not the answer and once you start talking about it, it becomes easier. I could finally see the light at the end of the dark tunnel, I finally swam up from 'under water and no longer felt like I was drowning.

I joined a gym, found a  therapist, a church, and stopped putting so much effort into blogging and Instagram. I am not 100% back to the girl I was before, but I am alive. Looking back, I don't know how I did this silently for so long. Of course there is wayyyyy more details that went on during all of this but I think this post has gotten dark enough. Also,  it's Sunday and I need to go enjoy my son, be a couch potato, and live in the moment and stop working so much. By the way, Chris had been amazing through all of this, he did his research and took me seriously everyday. I don't know how he did it, by my side the entire way through. :)

If you or someone else you know is going through anything difficult, I beg you to please call or text  1-800-273-8255 or go to suicidepreventionlifeline.org. The show '13 Reasons Why' also has resources available. That was the number I turned to. 

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