Raelyns Roulette: THE GOOD & THE BAD OF 17'

January 23, 2018


I have been thinking of all the events that took place in 2017. I'd have to say...this was the biggest year of my life as leaving my comfort zone. Sure, being married and having a baby are incredibly eventful and a blessing but...I am talking about something different.

The Move
I began the year moving away from my entire family and childhood friends. We decided last minute in 2016 to pick up and move. It's what we do. Chris once referred us to 'Nomads'. Chris and I had talked about it for years and I decided to give it a try, for him and Landon. 
I was beyond homesick and kept voiding the pain by plunging into my blog and keeping up with Landon. Meanwhile, Chris kept trying to make this state a potential "new and improved hometown." 
To this day, hour, minute, second....I have tried to keep my chin up high and grateful for another day God allowed us on earth. 

Chris's parents live nearby. In fact, we rented our their basement until we found work and a home. His parents extended help with childcare so Chris could focus on working and finding further work and I on my blog. I joined a gym and made a routine of dropping Landon off and working out then working on my blog some. 

It was far from an easy transition with the altitude between the West Coast to East Coast. Landon and I were in and out of urgent care with more than just a cold/flu for the first five months. It was not until we visited California for the Summer when we were finally in good health again. 

My First Injury
On Easter Sunday, I was walking down the stairs with a plate of food in one hand and Landon in my arms on the other side. I tripped, threw my plate in the air, and naturally assured I broke Landons fall. Thank the lord he was just fine! I, however, could not stand the pain of moving my left ankle. I have a past of being clumsy, feeling a wind of pain pass, but not this time. It took minutes before my ankle swelled up and became discolored. I am an active person and CANNOT stay still, this was a test by far. My new job for weeks became iced, elevated, and stay off my feet. Again, I voided the pain by trying to plunge into work and tried to catch up on shows since I was forced to relax. I will tell you the truth though about one thing though; I fought this dark hole trying to pull me into depression. I have never been clinically diagnosed with depression but MAN....did I put up a fight every single day. I began becoming resentful of moving to this state and constantly shared my feelings with Chris. 

My Marriage
Bless Chris's heart as he carried the heavy feelings I put on him each week. I had never cried so much in my entire life and it was him who had to hear me and sometimes hold me. I often like to distance myself and get through the sadness on my own. He felt helpless but we kept trying to have fun and be the best example for Landon. Our date nights consisted of tasteful imported beers or wine, new movies, and playing pool. This is called date night with a girl who could barely walk and on a budget. I'll save further detail later on in this post..

It felt like I was the new kid in high school (which I never experienced), and I had to make new friends. I am not an extrovert but was hungry for a friend...anyone really. I kept reaching out to those I had met but lived in other states, I began bringing up conversations with any mother I saw at the playground. I kept putting myself down and convincing myself I was far from interesting. Eventually, I had to come to peace with the fact that...if they want to be my friend they will make it a point to ask how I am and reach out because they care. I promised myself to stop trying so hard and focus on the one friend that did all of those thing back in California. Not to mention, my sisters and I are best friends. The kind that send me funny images without a comment, the kind that respond back if I so much as say "Yooooo." 

The Pregnancy announcements, Oh! The Pregnancy Announcements!!
It was no secret to anyone (not even to those of you reading this) that we tried this year but hoping we would get lucky and it would just happen as easily as it did with Landon. Each month it was another announcement, sometimes two, but never me. Reflecting back I have no idea how I stayed so positive and just kept looking toward the future. Once more, Chris had to hear my sobs and feel the small bit of rage each month that special monthly visitor came. How did he do it?! It seemed like I kept bestowing meltdowns on top of meltdown onto him. While we were happy for others as they deserved every bit of happiness that came their way, I was guilty of jealousy. Chris is up for another overseas deployment in 2018 for nearly the entire year and we have decided to pause on trying. 

Chris deployed for the entire Summer, and it was okay. I was back in California with my support system and my pride and joy, Landon. This was the first deployment where we were in different countries and the time difference sucked but as always, we figured it out. I don't get lonely so to speak, I get all the cuddles I need from Landon. I enjoyed making sure Chris had a home to come back to. Then, I returned to Virginia just shy of a couple weeks before he returned. The heavy saddened phone calls started up again, and there was nothing he could do. I finally had it one night and called him with air hardly able to speak and begged him to take me back home to MY family and hometown. He said "Alright." 

The Last 3 Months
Chris came home and we went back to California for a wedding. We danced and danced and stayed up so late...I could not believe it myself. Once we returned back to Virginia, Chris received an enormous job opportunity and we got a place of our own. For a moment, it felt like maybe just maybe....I could do this, live in this state and raise a family. It was not until I visited a specific daycare when this "maybe" became a hard "NO!" I will not go into detail as respect toward this daycare director who opened up her life to me about both of us having a similar story regarding my moving to another state. But that very same day, I was honest with Chris and told him I cannot stay here if he is gone. I plan on moving back to California for during the time Chris is gone. 

What I learned in 2017?
Considering I did go get too far into detail, trust me I can honestly reflect back on a successful year. Chris and I were tested several times, but we did it. My sanity nearly snapped oh so many times and I somehow made it out with a positive attitude that it will be okay. Everyone I started the year with, is ending the year with me. Their lives have too been blessed another year of life and experiencing the ups and downs. I never knew I could do what I did this year until it happened and now here comes 2018 on a positive note! 

Thank you for letting me share my life with you and always supporting me! You have all been apart of the snippets of laughter and happiness this year. Cheers to many more! 

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