Raelyns Roulette: LIFE HAPPENS AND THE SHOW MUST GO ON

October 16, 2016

LIFE HAPPENS AND THE SHOW MUST GO ON

Alright, I am going JUST blurt this out. I announced my second pregnancy very early to many others. I saw two positive tests and I already felt the changes in my body. I called my OB to confirm and they insisted I can come in a couple of weeks for a ultrasound. Something told me to confirm this. I went in and took a blood test that very same day. I was already snacking on crackers and sipping ginger ale. The next early morning I woke up at 4AM and I knew something was different. I felt zero symptoms and just empty. I finally called my OB in the late afternoon asking for results, I could not bare to go the weekend without knowing. There it was...."Your HCG levels are low, this is going to end up in a miscarriage. We prefer to not call it a miscarriage as it is so early." My lips were trembling, my heart was beating so hard I couldn't understand, and I insisted on being convinced....maybe It is just early and next week will be okay. I asked several questions: "What did I do wrong? Please, don't lie to me, what do you think I may have done wrong?" I have announced to everyone and was already excited for June 2017." They kindly confirmed my monthly present would most likely begin soon. I hung up and immediaitely still felt hope.  

The next morning, there it was. Proof, I was no longer pregnant. Sure, it was too early. I could not shake the pain of the fact that this early along I heard Landon's heartbeat when I was only 6 weeks along. I had already fell in love with the idea of this baby. It was not a embryo, fetus, or a cluster of cells. I was finally going to me a Mother of two after months of trying. I never ever thought I would be faced in this position. I am still trying to face the fact that my body did not kill my future son or daughter.
I had professional events and meetings scheduled and truth be told I wanted to keep my mind as busy as possible. I did was I usually do which is consume my head with anything else but the heaviness in my heart. That night, I dreamt the baby came to me and told me I am still their Mother and God had already told them about me. I woke up in a rush to attend a scheduled photo-shoot. I enjoyed the collaboration with the talented other bloggers. Once, I was in my car....I lost it. My heart ached so badly I knew it wasn't safe to drive. I have been a shoulder to cry on to others who had experienced a miscarriage later in their pregnancy, yet I always believed myself when I told them "This is NOT your fault, you did NOTHING wrong."
I know Chris and I are young and we can try again. I just knew I had to talk about it because I had opened up soooooo early.
I still have the video of my reaction to the positive tests recorded on my phone, I still have the photos, and I still have witnesses to the excitement. I started out only focusing on fashion but there is more to me. How else can my readers and new friends trust me when I am not honest with them? I am human. My life is not glamorous and perfect. I will not lie to you and only show you the good so you can be envious of me for pretending everything is alright. 
I know as time passes it will get easier. I am not afraid to try again. My heart still skips a beat when I see anything newborn related. As with everything this to shall pass and there is always a REASON why. I may not understand just yet. I can only trust God.  Now, lets get back on track and talk fashion!
As a petite mother of a big ol' precious baby, I prefer to wear high-wasted denim. It hits me at the perfect spot and allows my curves to show so I cannot argue there. At first I was hesitant to wear this gray crop top because I use to be self-conscious about the size of my bust looking rather large. I knew I was my biggest critic so I bought it and made it work. I realized I had pulled all neutrals together and needed a good texture to give it a extra touch. I paired it with a mid-wash denim jacket, my studded belt that had accents of silver and gold, and topped it off with my gold open-toe heels. Notice my white bag? The hardware is gold. I wanted to mix the right amount of silver/gray and gold. 
That is all I have for now. Thank you for reading and getting to know me! Here is to the beginning of a killer week! Let's kill it and keep our chins up high!
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