Raelyns Roulette

October 11, 2018


Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? I don't get a Romeo to save me at the end of the day. So who saves me? God. You don't believe in God? Okay, me; And what does that feel like? Lonely AF!

August 19, 2018


Disclaimer: What you are about to read is very heavy and meant only for mature eyes. If you or someone you know is going through a hard time please, please call or text  
1-800-273-8255 or go to suicidepreventionlifeline.orgThe show'13 Reasons Why' also has resources available here or simply text 741741. That was the number I turned to.

I have been familiar with depression and the power it has on a person. At the time, I didn't have it myself, but either had a friend or family member going through it. I had been to the hospital twice as support for others who attempted suicide. I knew they were in pain and I never said anything because I never thought they would EVER try to take their life. I should have said something, to an adult. To their parent, whom I knew loved them more than anything and would have put their health before their own. I think I was too immature to this mental issue, to understand it was a daily mentality of being haunted by demons. It wasn't until this year January of 18' when I realized I was now going through it. It was a Thursday, 930pm and Landon was already asleep and Chris was on orders or at work as usual. I was crying for the umteenth time and I knew it was time to ask for help and that it couldn't wait until morning, so I called my doctor. I explained briefly on their answering machine..."I'm sorry to call but as of the last few months I'm starting to run out of reasons as to why I should stay alive and I don't know what to do. I think everyone will be better of when I'm gone.".... Thankfully, someone answered and immediately thanked me for calling. They paged my doctor and he told me how thankful he was I called..by now it was 10pm. He told me to assure him I would be okay through the night and he would see me in his office the next morning. He even had someone come in as early as 6-7am to check me in.

Let's rewind. This is not for attention or for anyone to reach out to me with apologies or comfort. I have always been pretty open with my following on social media and although it took me three years to come to this conclusion, this all started because I had gone three years with undiagnosed with a specific depression. I know there has to be someone if not thousands searching the web trying to understand....

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH ME?! WHO AM I? I want to be my old self again!" I want you to know, you are not crazy. You are important and it is okay not to be okay! You are allowed to try to understand how you are feeling and why, you trying IS ENOUGH!

It wasn't until New York Fashion week of last year when the sadness began to get ugly. I remember posing for this photo and feeling so deeply empty inside. The compliments of strangers passing by meant nothing. I had met some fellow blogger friends after this and had some drinks and lots of laughter.

August 01, 2018


Yep, it has or is happening to almost everyone. The 20th of July I received an email with a subject of  'HACK  !'

I had just finished my to-do list for the week and was ready to enjoy my weekend. I had just booked two months worth of campaigns, found a new church to attend, and tracked down a potential daycare for Landon. I was about 10 minutes away from home when I glanced at my phone and saw a notification from gmail.  I immediately (AND SAFELY) pulled over and instantly panicked. 

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